He unfriended me on Facebook. WTF???
I just didn’t see it coming. Not the Facebook thing…my reaction to it!
Because it had been a few months since we ended. It was mutual. And calm. And VERY adult.
There was no one reason. What we had was great! Our love was deep, honest, vulnerable. Ending was hard but right for both of us at that point. So we said goodbye and I was fine… so I thought.
So when I realized that I had been unfriended and, worse, that he had deleted all photos and any sign of our relationship together in his feed, my heart sank. He was completely erasing me! Erasing us! Maybe somewhere in the back of my mind, I imagined that the door was still open just a crack for us, but the unfriending cinched it. The portal for that was now closed.
The transition of a break up is never easy.
I thought I was handling it really well. And while I love certain aspects of social media, I had never considered that being unceremoniously let go would be a part of it and I never thought it would hurt like it did. Even though we were both ready to end our relationship, I could clearly see that he had moved on and that, clearly, I hadn’t.
Everything has its season, but for me, goodbyes are hard, especially when they feel final. My fantasy self would wink and say “No biggie, I’m off,” then walk away with easy confidence. But my real self? She’s not that cavalier. It hurt.
So we weren’t a forever love, but he’s an amazing man! He had my back. He was tender with my heart. He is good and kind. When our ties were completely severed, I grieved again. And I didn’t see that coming either.
When I checked in with how I’m REALLY doing, my honest answer was I feel blue and down. And I am feeling like I shouldn’t be feeling blue or down or anything else other than upbeat.
There it was. That was the truth and that is what I needed to deal with.
Yes, I talk about experiencing joy regardless of the specifics of the situation. But, we are not robots nor are we immune from the pain and hurt of loss. What I used to do when I was hurting was default to judging and assessing if my emotional reaction was valid and justified. I would THINK about it, judge it, minimize myself about it, etc. All that does is put up a barrier in our hearts so we don’t have to feel because feeling can hurt so damn much.
With THIS transition, I wanted to try something different like letting myself be. Let myself have no barrier in my heart and fully FEEL my feelings. And that’s it. Because I could see my old approach of blocking my journey through the pain was really stopping the process that would bring me back to joy.
To get the most from any transition and make our way to joy and fulfillment again, I’ve discovered that a critical step is to experience all of the raw emotions inside of that transition or loss.
In the blog, 1, 2, 3 Punch of Gratitude I talked about the steps we can take to dive into emotions.
- Write it. I wrote this blog to get out my real feelings and get a better understanding of why I was so bothered by this.
- Speak it. Talking to someone I trust who is removed from this relationship gave me perspective on what I can do to change the conversation and say something new.
- Share it. Sharing this here allows me to show that I am human and every bit as vulnerable as anyone else, while still honoring the transition and finding my way back to joy.
To really know joy, to know the experience of deep, soul comforting joy, we need the contrast.
Experiencing the contrast for me was looking at:
Love filled heart vs. heartbreak
Fear vs. courage
Connection vs. isolation
The contrast inside the transition holds the key to flowing with joy. Because we experience both sides…both sides of love, both sides of joy, both sides of courage.
There are no absolute tactics or strategies or words of wisdom I can give you for negotiating a heavy heart. Really, joy is a practice and so is living and moving through the endless transitions.
Maybe our work is to become more authentic, kinder, more compassionate, easier on ourselves and others. I know for sure that taking care of myself is key to this transition. What do you say? Your thoughts are most welcome.
XO Maryl
